Last Wednesday, a group of animal activists approached the Gadara Town Council concerning the mass murder of 2000 swine off the coast of their town. The leader of the group, one James, son of Theodulphus of Gadara, who has raised pigs since his father’s death a decade ago, suffered severe damages, for these animals have provided sustenance for his family’s income and have been their mainstay in times of political unrest.
“The swine have provided us a link between our Jewish heritage and the surrounding Roman society,” the son of Theodolphus reports.
Protestors are reacting against the humanitarian efforts of the famed Rabbi, Jesus, who visited the coast of the Gadarenes in the past week. According to reports by Gadara natives, Petrobas Adolfas, who has for decades masqueraded as a spirit, found therapy in self-mutilation, and struggled with an addiction to alcohol, was found sitting, clothed, and calm just after dusk last week.
“My family and I were hoping to hear some ghost stories and observe an obsessed man, but all we saw was a normal guy, quietly talking to this teacher, Jesus”—so reports Marcus Onerius, one of the many pleasure seekers who visit the island for what they call “ghost stories and creepy thrillers.”
Such tourists have brought to Gadara’s shops and restaurants a lucrative business within the last several years, a charge the animal rights’ activists also maintain.
“Two thousand swine equals several thousand denari—a profitable and necessary contribution to our community,” James Theodolphus reminded reporters in an interview last Thursday.
But his concerns go beyond business, he assured us, to the very lives of thousands of innocent animals. While Jewish law forbids the possession of hogs, calling them unclean, James and other of his animal rights’ activist friends states, “The same Eternal Creator who fashioned and gives breath to clean animals also fashioned and gives breath to the unclean. To prohibit one from owning a particular type of animal based on a notion of religious conduct is clearly intolerant.”
James’ case will stand before the Gadara tribunal next week. In the meantime, the famed maniac has returned home, and Jesus—at the unrelenting request of locals—has departed.
“Hopefully never to return again,” Adolphus states.